*** WARNING: VERY LONG POST*** I had to ask my daughter if I could share this because, well, it’s not just my story. More than anyone else’s it’s hers. And to be honest, it’s been a long time coming.
My oldest, Paige, is almost 12. I can tell you that, despite some of the terrible things that surrounded her conception, my pregnancy, my marriage in general, there was never a more wanted child. For a while it was blissful. It didn’t take me to long though, to realize this wasn’t going as I had planned. Then around 2-3 years old, she started throwing hellacious tantrums. She would scream, lay down in the floor, bite herself, bang her head in walls, all in protest that she was not a girl. She was a boy, she WANTED to be a boy. It was heart wrenching. I loved my daughter, but if I had a magic wand at that moment, I probably would have granted that wish. I just wanted a happy child. The anger didn’t stop there. We had flipped chairs, meltdowns, turned over desks, disturbing drawing. My child was unaffectionate, moody, and as time went by she seemed to just sink into herself. Withdrawing from life, and I just wanted to be her mom. I took her to therapy, I hugged her, even when she didn’t want me to, I read the parenting books. I cried late into the night because I had run out of options. How do I help my child?? I tell this story so that I can tell the next part. Recently I was watching Ellen Degeneres on David Letterman’s “My Next Guest,” and she tells this story about being a young child in an elevator and there was a lady, who looked down and said “oh what a cute little boy!” Ellen says that the whole time she was standing there she kept saying in her head, over and over, “please don’t tell her I’m a girl.” You see she thought that being a boy was the only way you got to be with a girl, and she just wanted that lady to see her as a cute boy. ***continued in comments***