Like you, I have been numb before. I have spent parts of my life creating an explosive outer environment in hopes it would make me feel something. I was tired of feeling all the deep, intense, dark feelings that I was becoming semi comfortable with. It wasn’t healthy, I wasn’t happy, and I was very aware of that fact.
In those moments I would imagine the things that could bring me joy. A relationship. Wealth. A fit body. Popularity. Recognition. That list goes on.
In my deepest, darkest years (and even now) the only thing that made me feel something, was me. I was the creator of it all. I was the one who would sit and think about My Dad, the man who wasn’t in my life and didn’t really care to be. I was the one who thought about all the people judging me about my height, whether they were or not.
I was the one who replayed images of my past sexual abuse. The visit to the police station at a very young age. The uncomfortable counselling appointments that I didn’t fucking understand. I was the one who decided I was broken, unloveable, and misunderstood.
I want you to know you are not alone. You’re not the only one with a complex, traumatic past that you analyze hoping to understand “why me” “why this”. You aren’t the only one that has to fight every day to keep the childhood demons from slipping out of their cage and fucking overtaking your adult life.
I say that with love, I say that with compassion, I say that with empathy for your story, and mine. We all go through things. We all have a past. We all suffer through dark years and scary thoughts.
It’s okay to have big feelings about it. Honor those feelings. Ride the emotional waves of your trauma because you and I both know that as soon as you think you’re in the clear... they come up again. Have healthy tools to manage your emotions when things get out of control. Rest, hydrate, spend time with loved ones, read, learn, grow, expand. You are perfect. You are loveable. Your past does not define you. Your feelings do not define you. Your darkness does not mean that you are labeled and in a category of fucked up. We all exist there. You are not alone.