“I am gonna make it through this year it it kills me.
I am gonna make it through this year this year if it kills me.” - This Year - The Mountain goats. ✨ ✨
I sense the frustration & disappointment In the air now. On a ward overwhelmed with octogenarians & years beyond, I was the youngest admission at forty five & oh how excited they were to have someone like them to engage with or so they told me. I was in on the jokes, quick to make fun of my situation. When I was hanging from the ceiling in a hoist stripped of both dignity & my clothes, I was content to laugh it off when this particular piece of equipment decided to malfunction. I hung there like the proverbial piece of meat ready for the slaughter house. I made the requisite humour filled comments but deep within I felt my soul my increasingly destroyed; as fearful as those pendulant animals I mirrored awaiting their as yet unknown fate. I said things to keep the staff comfortable. To keep the person that they had anticipated & excitedly welcomed alive for them. The truth is, the part of me expected by them was hidden. They possess the capacity to move, not only from this space; this building but out into the fresh air & to move freely amongst world. I don’t begrudge then a minute of it I miss my own abilities.
Last night I should have moved amongst, “The Mountain Goats” gig in Leeds, freely, joyfully, soulfully enmeshed amongst their lyrics & presence. What bliss it would have been. As my body deteriorated & rehabilitation is considered less likely, I remain bed bound, needing assistance with almost every aspect of daily physical maintenance, accompanying this is an exhaustion that belies description & insists you are unable, alongside all other incapacities, to pursue your joys. Life seems distant, something that I am no longer part of. Nothing excites my soul here: my desire for conversation has departed, where my appetite has retreated. One can only hope that some day illness will allow my dancing feet to return and for me to leave deep footprints in the world once again.