What does it mean to really love someone? This question has plagued me my entire life — or at least until recently. To put it succinctly, I’ve been a hell of a hard person to love. I’ve made a mess of the word love and everything it entails. I know I’m not alone in saying I fell victim to my own destructive behaviors. After earlier in life emotional traumas, I was scared. Frightened. Was I even capable of loving again?
I didn’t know how to risk my heart, my well-being, my dreams and life for something that could break my heart — again. It hurt enough the first time. But after that, there was a different kind of hurt and that shit hurt. Really bad.
This started a forgettable decade in my life. A decade marred with pain, hurt and the absence of love, with no intentions of ever wanting to risk love, hurt and above all else, loss. So I ran, I played games and hurt some wonderful people along the way. If things ever started getting serious, I’d detach myself and run like hell.
How was I supposed to wrestle with this idea of intimacy and trusting someone with my heart? No one taught me how to deal with the pain of the past — I didn’t know how to reopen my heart. Over time, I grew numb to my behavior and the reckless destruction I had been causing along the way.
The last thing I ever deserved at this point in my life was a beautiful, open heart that was willing to love me, but for some reason, I received just that. I look back with complete disgust at my inability to love in return.
I did, however, make a change, if there is a silver lining to this story, though it was after hitting rock bottom. It’s been a long road getting to where I am now, but I’ve come to understand some things along the way — things I wish I had known years ago. If you’re reading this and are someone I’ve hurt, I’m sorry. I have learned several lessons. I can't put them here, so I'll put them in the comments, if you're interested.
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