“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure”- Paulo Coelho
I know that when my mood is low, it’s only a matter of time before I start feeling better again. It’s been a day too long. And I still feel like hiding under the sheets and spend my days crying.
I know I can’t do that. Or I tell myself I can’t. I force myself to do things I’m “supposed to do”, to live my day as if I don’t have the feeling of something gripping at my throat, making it hard to breathe. Because that’s how anxiety feels. It makes it difficult to breathe.
This week I learnt that there’s still so much about me that needs to be worked on. That I’ve developed new fears in life that are holding me back. Making it impossible for me to enjoy. I’m aware of it. Conscious of it. I’m trying to fight it. To transform it. But I can’t. I’m not able to. I want to revert to my old self. A time when the only thing that occupied my mind was myself. And myself only.
We’re social beings. We’re not meant to be alone. Yet in all these years, I’ve come to accept that, as much as I’d like to share my life with someone, I’ll accept my fate of walking this world on my own. If it means that I won’t get hurt. Disappointed. If it means it’s the only way I can protect myself.
It’s not the right path. The right path is something I’ll keep on discovering throughout my life. But it’s a matter of timing. And understanding what’s the right thing to do at the exact moment.
We mostly don’t know.
I feel extremely lost. Confused. Down. And alone. It’s another day in which this weighs me down. But just like every other day, I write it down to tell no one and everyone. And in person, there’s that mask we all wear, that hides our deepest fears.
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